Balancing the Desire for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, mostly enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership which continued for four years, however I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I begin to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, frequently resulting in lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want a partner to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, however I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Each individual's sexual journey varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle different types of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs in your current state could easily shift in the future; eventually you might become more decisive and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet someone offering a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting what you want completely … and at another point you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Fretting over the future and playing endless speculation is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay present with your partners, and see the worth of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist is a American therapy professional who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.
