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The listings for the John F. Kennedy Center in Washington features a lighthearted dual-language performance and an ad-libbed theatrical company. Conspicuously absent from the public line-up is the upcoming global football draw, likely because it is a strictly invitation-only event. Officials seem intent on avoid any uninvited attendees from gaining entry at what promises to be an overly lengthy, self-aggrandizing procession where highly compensated dignitaries will doubtlessly echo the tired platitude that "soccer unites the world."

A Star-Studded Crew

The lavish event is set to be emceed by television personality Heidi Klum and diminutive US comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Joining the star power will be American football star Eli Manning on red-carpet duty and actor Danny Ramirez as a roving reporter. Together, they will preside over a ceremony that will undoubtedly have British football fans of a certain age yearning for the halcyon, unpretentious days of Graham Taylor, FA officials, the old draw system and a trusty fabric pouch of wooden, numbered balls.

Set to last the thick end of three long hours, the event will feature a lengthy agenda of lengthy speeches, overly sentimental video montages, approved gags, celebrity guests, performances from artists with perhaps little shame or enormous tax bills, and then... finally, the actual World Cup draw.

Athletic Greats on Ceremony Detail

Among those tasked with conducting the ceremony? Basketball giant Shaquille O'Neal, hockey great Wayne Gretzky, football star Tom Brady and MLB star Aaron Judge, all selecting balls under the watchful eye of former defender Rio Ferdinand. Given the considerable, untapped reservoir of personality possessed by these ageing sporting icons, short of an armed security team storming the ceremony, it's difficult to imagine what could possibly go wrong.

Actually, very little, if the tone-deaf justification of FIFA's widely reported World Cup exorbitant ticket pricing offered by an overly deferential English yes-man is any sort of indicator. Upon being questioned if tickets should be more affordable for non-millionaires, the reply was vague. "In my view we have to be aware of that and I think FIFA are certainly an organization that are conscious of that," was the statement. "But listen, I think we can look at every industry, every area, we could have that discussion about things," he added. The suggestion seemed to be that high prices are justified when contrasted with other high-end items.

The Actual Draw

With 42 countries already qualified for next summer's jamboree and another six set to qualify, there will be a genuine air of giddiness once the preliminaries conclude and the actual draw begins. But as fans worldwide wait with bated breath to see which three teams their particular country will face in the initial phase, the suspense pales in comparison to that which precedes the reveal of the recipient of FIFA's inaugural peace prize for "individuals who help bring together people in peace through unwavering commitment and notable deeds." Considering the draw is in Washington and the World Cup is primarily in the United States, speculation about the recipient are widespread, though the hints are there.

"I have no worries at the moment. I was speaking to the owner today. My connection with him is rock solid really. I have a real transparent and frank relationship. So regarding my position in that sense I have completely no worries whatsoever" – a statement from a manager whose side on a five-game winless run, providing a classic quote-that-will-definitely-get-resurfaced if/when changes occur in the future.

Audience Feedback

• "Further to the discussion of a potential club named Kevin... there is an talented Brazilian winger named Kevin at Fulham who cost more than £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be persuaded to purchase a lower league club and rename it after himself."
• "Going to local games in the past, when the opponent was 'Keith', the reply was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "My reading ceased after nine words. 'Comprised of'! What was the thought process? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as unnecessary as an extra official."
• "Concern is growing ahead of FIFA's World Cup draw: just what catchy ditty will a famous group come up with if a political figure remains on the stage, requiring an encore?"